the biggest sin was when I said I love you and meant it

So you said "Hush,
this won't hurt,
not if you start screaming
it wouldn't," so

"Put that guard down
and let your instincts go
we'll start having fun
because I say so
sweet baby
honey
because I say so."

"Forget all about the blood,"
and I'll focus on this love
as my nails dig into you
I'll be the only girl
you ever think of
as you say

"Put that guard down
and let your instincts go
we'll start having fun
because I say so
sweet baby
honey
because I say so."

Please.
Don't.
Stop.

"As you say so
sweet baby
honey
as you say so".

Of whipping and being a dominatrix

Everything here might or might not happen... depending on how wild your imagination is...

As the usual rendesvous', they all started with the Internet Relay Chat Service. Accepting invites to various rooms, like playing a game of hide and seek. Peek-a-boo, yoohoo... here I am, talk to me. Feathered in absurdly fashioned nicknames, vying for attention... pick me, pick me... talk to me... Shamelessly flaunting things that you may not have... oh of course... My breasts are mountains, come play within these valleys... or... Of course I could tie you up... maybe... No, I'm free of STD's.

Then comes the one savior... the one who stands out from the rest... and catching your eye... then... Let's meet, where are you... Of course, any pictures?... The usual a/s/l questions... Don't you ever get tired of it? Of course you say, but there is the fun of it all... The one who breaks all moulds, the one who doesn't always start their questions with Hey baby, let's shag... not... I love vaginas... never... Who are you.... Never one of these lame people.

Then you find yourself in a car, on a motorcycle, or walking. Meeting strangers, comforting your fears with "a stranger's just a friend you haven't met". Out for sex, camouflaged by dinners, books or trips to the mall... Comfortable without the usual mask you wear for society, but with a mask of impurity. Basking in the glory of not being caught... Laughing away the day... or night... Anticipation of a new adventure soon to come... Between sheets and sins...

Finding yourself being tied up... or tying someone up. Between being whipped or the one whipping. Every slashing sound like a catalyst, rushing between your erythrocytes. Shivering with every little pain inflicted, getting more and more excited with every moan. Every words of pain soothes your own wounds inside, calms your own insecurities... You slowly accepting that you are someone... Bigger, smaller... depending on who wears the collar.

Finally, letting that rush of pleasure passing through your groins. Wanting it to happen again and again... Shamelessly being ashamed, taunting and taunted... Gaining your self worth by losing respect... Licking every drop of your humility. Wasn't that fun? Walking out of the cramped hotel space, bruised but alive. Knowing that what happened was the deepest kind of trust, the loveliest kind of affection ... and finding yourself in front of the blue screen yet again... another adventure unravelling.

untitled

who knew that I'd love
women and men
and everything in between
the sheets and without it
today.

I have hated and rejected
everything before
you
time stopped still

and none of my blood spilled yet.

Cinderella story (for my mom)

You with your crown on display
(is it just me or are you smirking?)
am I always this way?
or didn't you beat me hard enough
or tell me how you hated me so much
yesterday?

you who keeps pieces of your broken glass shoe,
(and still clings to worn red carpets)
do you want me to be you?
or not go what you went through?
or be myself
but doing what you wanted to?

You when you pause and look ahead,
and forget about yourself for a moment,
or about me
and just be
breathing
you could be so beautiful.

A birthday wish

Is it okay
if I catch your dreams with my tongue?
(like the snowflakes in winter
remind you of hot cocoa and warm dreams
and stockings woven with love)
your dreams are so beautiful

you are
so beautiful
that angels faint at your feet
(or fall asleep
to be a part of your dream?)

wake up
wake up
wake up

before the rising sun
or you'd be mistaken as one

rejecting a flirt

Please don't compare me
to the scorch of summer day
(I'm not warming up to your praises)
or to the darling buds of May
I'm not as pretty as you say
(and I am aware)

Please don't tell me
anything about myself
that I cannot see beyond the gilded frames
or behind that twinkle in your eye
glazed by lust
(and probably beer)

I do apologize
but

Please don't bother me
I'm waiting
until another one like you
comes over
to tell me I'm beautiful too
but I'll follow him home
just to spite you

Please don't be angry
I was joking
but

Please leave me
or buy me a drink
and stay away

thank you.

behold the great rubberband

I am but a rubberband
with a dream of flying far

and

you keep on stretching
stretching
stretching
stretching me

...then I snapped

and you
recoiling by reflex
threw me away.

that girl so sad

Don't you know?
It's hard not to take you seriously
to bleed by your words
is easy

(do you think before you talk?)

or do you talk without thinking
that people have feelings
or don't you?
do you?

(have you no heart?)

but you wept when he left you
without words he went
maybe he didn't have your vocabulary
(that's what I heard)
or maybe not

or maybe you just don't care.

To the Old Man

It is just a smile
I told my friends
to the old man
selling pulut cakes
a basketful on his head

I want
to reach out my questions,
and have him answer

I do love stories

So,

Is it just a smile now?
I asked my friends,
when I smile to the old man
selling pulut cakes
to have him smile back at me?

Elevators

Ever had that rush of tinkering heartbeats, the warm blood slowly creeping up and filling up your facial capillaries, as a beautiful stranger steps into an elevator? Or when everybody gets out of the 2x2 enclosure and all that is left are the both of you? You quickly avert your eyes, and have your attention focused intently on counting the tiles on the floor.

Do you suddenly pray that the elevator goes on forever? You who have never been pious before, do you immediately wish that you frequent the praying mat, just so your prayers would get a special place in God's judgement, just this once? Do you imagine the doors jammed together, and as he sweats wth anxiety, you sweating too, and the scent of fear binds you together? Finding a reason to huddle closer, to lament in the tragedy that befell you.

To feel the stubble of his goatee brushing your forehead, as he comforts you despite his own worries. To feel the hardness of his chest muscles, taut with fear and a result of vigorous workouts, as you lie your head against it. To hear his heartbeat tap-tap-tapping rhytmically with yours. Crushing your breasts against his chest.

Would you imagine him wishing the same thing? Shaking your head, suddenly sad, no of course he won't. He is a marble god, carved by Michelangelo, and you are but the pedestal that he steps on. (Even the thought of being an adornment of his beautiful feet sends you into a feverish glee).

You lifted your head, stealing a milisecond glance towards this Adonis, a payback for stealing your heart. Exchanging his warm smile with your own nervous grin. Wait a minute... he smiled at you??? You start cursing yourself, and imagination runs amok again. Interpreting the smile in many wondrous possibilities. Imagining the upward curve meeting your own dry, chapped and pale lips, slow, seductive and sexy.

Shaking your head again. The more your head is filled with these thoughts, the more your heart is filled with sadness.

And then the elevator door opens. A bright ray of light fills in as the beautiful stranger steps out, right foot first. As the brighter streaks of sunshine washes over him, you noticed his face accessorized by acne, his rather awkwardly stooped posture, his super hairy hands, gnarly and full of calluses. You zoomed your sights on the back of his pants and noticed the bulgeless form, loosely encased in a pair of too high waisted pants, noticing that his ankles are showing from frayed ended hems. Where his behind has no artistic form whatsoever, a mound seems to have formed where you imagined hard rectus abdominis crisscrossing.

He turned around, and his smile still melts you. Your day just seemed better.

What I Type

SMS the first

This sadness,
i digress... Flows
out of my faith,
of the lack of your faithfullness,
like tears rivering the borders of my hollow cheeks.

SMS the second

U are my lover boy, my adonis, the one in my only dreams. U are mine. Hello, who am i?

SMS the third

I saw how my heart bleeds in his hand,
dripping red moisture...
i command
'freeze thou shalt',
no more pain i can stand.

SMS the last
Alas, but 'tis the black of the shaedows,
it persists,
who am i to insist,
a being as solid...
to not exist?

On What I Write

They ask me... why do I not write about men? What is it that I fear? With my kind of reputation, I cannot claim to not know men, could I? Not that they know me more than what builds my reputation. For they were the builders, the ones ensuring the facade hides my true self. Do I have to mention that they disgust me so? And so they despise me also. Not that I claim to be any angel, heavens no. That wall I built was only for their safety, don't they know? Why do they bloody their hands tearing it down? Why try peeking in when what you see repulses you so? Why bother digging if not all the way? Your hands are now dirty, why not wash it with my tears? And still you talk away. Why do I not write about men? Why should I leave you, you who make up the story mine? You gold nuggets ready for the digging, ripe apples ready for the plucking, nest of hens clucking, clucking, clucking... pecking at those who are different, insisting that your footsteps are the best when your feet are not even barely clean. Why should I write of a creature devoid of form? For I worship the country, every hills and valleys, every nook and cranny. Unlike you, you city lover, who praises tall towers, proudly standing but crumbles at the slightest quake. My mountains are majestic, why trade them for your so called civilisation? To your buildings, I do not admit defeat. Yet you claim to own my valleys too. I write of the sea, and the smell it reminds me. You see? I write of the life mothering every creature, you talk of the one with destructive nature. You can stay forever under your acacia tree, as the smell it gives repulses me. Though for what little shade it provides, I'd rather burn in the desert heat. Although you will see me running to cool my feet. Why do I not write about men? Why should I, when I am breathing, eating, seeing, talking them? They who see this keep on muttering, "And so she does not write about men, she has become one of them".

The Devil Held Me

Burning my hands,
while I grabbed your flaming mane,
you are my Belzebub,
my dear dangerous Lucifer,
milking moans out of my mouth.

Surrendering your soul,
as you lay in my loving laps,
you are my child,
my dear delicate son,
drinking out of my desire for you.

Holding hostage everything I own,
my pride, my life, my heart,
you are my lover,
my dear damning Adonis,
and I will treasure you forever.

My Anthology of Poems

http://www.lulu.com/content/853408

my anthology of poems "WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO PUT ME DOWN?" is out NOW! Get a COPY or PROMOTE it away!!! Exclusive DIY cover design by yours truly for paperback edition.

Him

Cigarettes
skyscrapers
football and billiards

I love you for who you are
not for what you love
You are what I love
not what I am
and still we don't understand.

Chocolates
stilettos
family and best friends

I must not
change
you
shall not
change
me

They should just let us be.

Emotional Orgasm

I'm gonna find another baby
Just you wait and see
Just you wait and see
Can't wait forever for your maybes
Gotta let me free
I gotta let you be

Been waiting for so long it hurts
I've got to get away
Can't stand living like a caged bird
And all I've got to say

I'm gonna find another baby
Just you wait and see
Just you wait and see
Can't wait forever for your maybes
Gotta let me free
I gotta let you be

What makes you think you'll win this race
These legs will run
Now here's a fact you have to face
You're no more fun

I'm gonna find another baby
Just you wait and see
Just you wait and see
Can't wait forever for your maybes
Gotta let me free
I gotta let you be

Been waiting for so long it hurts
I've got to get away
Can't stand living like a caged bird
Now all I've got to say, hey, hey, hey

I'm gonna find another baby
Just you wait and see
Just you wait and see
Can't wait forever for your maybes
Gotta let me free
I gotta let you be

Girls' Night In

girls' night in
(shhh!!! malam kita-kita aja)











cerita oleh
dalih sembiring
nor huda



naskah oleh
nor huda









draf kedua







2008
“GIRLS’ NIGHT IN”

FADE IN

INT. KAFE PINGGIR JALAN – MALAM

Suasana kafe hingar-bingar, gambaran tipikal malam minggu, dengan pasangan dan kelompok yang saling “mojok”, saling menyuapi, bermanja-manja dan berhaha-hihi. Kafe terlihat sederhana dan tidak terlalu mewah, redup diterangi lentera tergantung.

Dua orang cewek, RIA(23) dan JACKIE(32) duduk berdekatan, pasangan yang tidak lazim tapi tetap menyatu dengan crowd yang penuh warna-warni, tanpa terkesan kontras. Yang membedakan mereka dengan pasangan-pasangan yang lain, bukan untuk seisi kafe tahu.

Ria dan Jackie duduk dekat-dekat bersebelahan, dua kepala yang hampir menjadi satu, dimana bibir tidak pernah jauh dari telinga dan melahirkan cekikikan-cekikikan kecil. Kedua-keduanya berpakaian selayaknya wanita umumnya, santai dengan kaos katun, celana jeans dan sendal jepit.

HP yang tergeletak di meja menyala biru terang sebelum berdecit dengan nada dering tanda ada SMS yang masuk. Ria membaca pesan yang tertera, kemudian tersenyum dan menoleh ke pintu keluar, mengangkat tangan dan melambai ke seseorang. Jackie ikut melihat.

RIA:
Sini bo’. Sini sama tante.

Seorang lelaki dengan kemeja biru garis-garis vertikal, celana jeans skinny leg dan tas pink gede menuju ke meja Ria dan Jackie dengan hebohnya, merangkul Ria dengan erat, dan menjabat tangan Jackie. DANNY(25) memesan kopi sebelum duduk berhadapan dengan Ria dan Jackie.

DANNY:
(Ke pramusaji) Crumbly coffee satu!
Ada cerita apa ‘ni? Kayaknya
seru banget... Share dong...

Ria menoleh manja ke Jackie yang dibalas dengan tatapan mesra. Tangan Ria digenggam Jackie, seolah memberi semangat untuk Ria meneruskan kata-katanya.
RIA:
Elo ingat kan say, kemaren dulu
yang gue curhat ma elo?
(Mengusap perut dengan perlahan)

DANNY:
Oh my GOD! Jadi bikin babynya?
Seru! Selamat yaaaaaa...

Mereka bertiga bangun dan Danny memeluk Ria sambil meloncat-loncat kecil. Agak ragu-ragu pada awalnya, Danny memeluk Jackie juga dan dibalas hangat. Danny menyeka keringat yang aslinya tidak ada dari dahinya.

DANNY:
Phew! Terus... (Tergantung)

Kata-kata Danny terpotong dengan kedatangan pramusaji yang menghidangkan secangkir tinggi kopi dingin dengan krimer putih di atasnya.

PRAMUSAJI:
Silakan.

DANNY:
Makasih mbak. (Menghirup kecil).
Aaahhh... (Penuh drama)tenggorokanku
kering baaaaanget tadi.

RIA:
(Menyalakan rokok)
Koq bisa, say? Kebanyakan ngomong kali.

JACKIE:
Ya nggalah... Kebanyakan nyepong...

DANNY:
(Bercanda) Emangnye eke perempewi?

Mereka bertiga meledak ketawa.

JACKIE:
Tadi elo mau ngomong apa?

DANNY:
Apa ya? Oh ya, soal baby.
Donornya emang dah dapat?
Punya gue aja... Gimana?

RIA:
Emang gitu kita maunya.

JACKIE:
He eh. Secara elo kan teman kita.

Mata Danny berkaca-kaca. Kedua tangannya didekap ke dadanya dengan siku di atas meja.

DANNY:
Oh you guys. Gue tersanjung.
...Banget.

Danny mengambil tangan Ria dan Jackie dan membungkusnya dalam genggaman tangannya yang gede. Kelihatan kuku tangannya yang apik terawat. Ekspresinya dibuat-buat serius, sambil menahan ketawa.

DANNY:
Gue janji deh, anak kalian bakal
cucok, pinter dan anggun kayak
gue.

JACKIE:
(Melepaskan tangannya dan ketawa).
Amit-amit jabang bayi deh! Haha!
Ya harus kayak gue ma Ria dong, Danny.

RIA:
Ya iyalah... Tapi kita akuin sih...
Kita nyari genetik femininnya elo, say.
Secara gue ama Jackie kan ga femme-
femme amat.

DANNY:
Trust me deh, kalau anak kalian cewek,
pasti ceweeeek banget dan kalau cowok...
Hmm... buat gue aja. Haha!
(Menghirup kopi) Udah ke dokter?

Jackie memandang Ria dengan bibir menyungging separuh senyuman, mengangkat bahunya dan kepalanya diajukan ke arah Danny, tanda untuk meneruskan pembicaraan. Ria mengangguk kecil.

RIA:
Udah sih... Tapi...
(Terhenti)

JACKIE:
Mahal, Dan. Gila banget.
Berapa juta gitu deh.
Dan itu juga ga harus sekali tanam
langsung jadi.

RIA:
Jadi...

CLOSE UP: Danny mulai memasang tampang cemas dan curiga.

DANNY:
Jadi...?

FADE TO:

INT. KAMAR KONTRAKAN - CONTINOUS

CLOSE UP: Danny masih dengan tampang kosong dan mulut sedikit terbuka.
DANNY:
(Dengan suara datar)
Jadi gue disuruh ngapain ni?

Kamar itu cuma diterangi lampu kuning dengan watt rendah yang tergantung dari siling. Mereka bertiga duduk di hujung sebuah ranjang dengan Danny ditengah-tengah. Selain kasur, perabotan lain di kamar itu cuma berupa lemari pakaian plastik, meja belajar, lemari buku dan dispenser Aqua dengan galonnya.

Sebuah laptop menyala terang di atas meja belajar. Wallpaper desktop laptop memperlihatkan Ria dan Jackie yang berpelukan mesra. Nyala putihnya mewarnai setumpuk DVD yang tergeletak di sebelahnya. Beberapa judul menggoda dengan gambar lelaki-lelaki bertubuh sasa saling rangkulan berpose di sampulnya.

Bahu Danny dirangkul mesra oleh Ria. Tangan Ria yang satunya lagi digenggam Jackie, kedua-duanya terletak manis di atas paha Danny. Ria memakai daster batik dan Jackie memakai singlet dan celana pendek kotak-kotak. Kedua-duanya dengan tampang memujuk. Danny dengan baju sama yang dipakai di kafe.

DANNY:
Kalian nabung aja dulu deh...

RIA:
Uhh... Kelamaan bo’.

JACKIE:
Lagian gue juga dah ga
muda-muda amat Dan. Masa gue dah
mbah-mbah anak gue masih SMP?

DANNY:
Kalau ga ada duit, ngapain bikin anak?
Mau dikasi makan pasir?
Secara pasir juga ga gratis
lho ya sekarang...

JACKIE:
(Suara meninggi)
Bawel elo ah.

RIA:
(Memujuk Jackie) Sayang...
(Balik ke Danny)
Kalau tabungan mah kita punya.
Tapi kalau bisa irit kenapa ngga?
Irit beberapa juta lho...

DANNY:
(Melirik tersinggung) Oh getu ya?
Aduuuh... ga mau deh.

JACKIE:
Tenang Dan.
‘Tar lampunya kita matiin koq.
Elo juga bilang kalau dalam gelap
semua lobang rasanya sama.

DANNY:
Tenang... tenang! Iya kalau lobangnya
cuman satu. Cewek kan lobangnya dua?

RIA:
(Meledek) Tiga, kali say.

DANNY:
(Kaget) Apa? Ngga ah. Ini gila. Ogah.
(Dengan gaya mahu berdiri, tapi
ditarik duduk oleh Ria dan Jackie)
Kenapa ga cowok lain aja, please?
Yang straight, keq?

RIA:
Elo teman kita dah lama Dan.

JACKIE:
(Tegas)Dan gue ga bakal ijinin
cowok sebarangan macem-macem
ma Ria. (Terdiam)
(Dengan nada mengancam)
Itu termasuk elo lho. Awas aja
kalau tiba-tiba elo jadi
nafsu getu ma Ria.

DANNY:
(Menghela nafas) Please deh ya?
Gue emang mau nafsu gimana?
Secara elo punya...

RIA:
Apa? Toket? (Mendekap tangan ke dada)

JACKIE:
Terus? Loe mau ma gue aja?

DANNY:
(Memandang Jackie dari atas ke bawah)
Ngga deh ya... No offence, tapi
kayaknya gedean punya elo deh.
Bisa trauma gue.

RIA:
Mantan elo yang terakhir bukannya
obes, say? Otomatis ada dadanya dong?

DANNY:
(Dengan nada tersinggung)
Hmph... Chubby yah...

RIA:
Sorry say...

JACKIE:
Ayolah Dan. Mana gue udah bela-belain
ngerental bokep binan. Banyak pula.

RIA:
Boleh ya say, ya? Anaknya anak elo
juga koq nanti. Daripada elo kasi
hak melahirkan ke orang sembarangan
yang ujung-ujungnya ribet?

DANNY:
(Terdiam sebentar) Ya udah udah udah.
Yuk, bikin anak.

Ria dan Jackie kegirangan.

CUT TO:

EXT. KAMAR KONTRAKAN – CONTINOUS

Jackie berdiri di luar kamar, ada riak cemas di mukanya. Sesekali dia melirik jam di atas pintu kamar. Kakinya mengetuk lantai dengan tidak sabar. Dari dalam kamar terdengar bunyi gesekan-gesekan sprei kasur dan suara pemeran filem porno gay berdesah-desahan.
RIA (V.O):
(Dengan nada sakit) Aduh!
(Ada bunyi sesuatu jatuh)
Aaaah!!! Aduh! (Hening)
Yah... Danny! (Bunyi hampa)

Setelah beberapa detik, pintu terbuka perlahan. Tampang Ria masam mencuka, mempersilakan Jackie masuk.

CUT TO:

INT. KAMAR KONTRAKAN – CONTINOUS

Danny berdiri di pojok kamar, jauh dari Ria dan Jackie. Ekspresinya sama juteknya dengan Ria. Kemejanya masih utuh terpakai, celananya terganti dengan handuk selutut. Tangannya terlipat di depan dadanya dan wajahnya dipalingkan ke arah samping dengan gaya “gue-ga-mau-tau”.

JACKIE:
(Nyengir) Gimana Dan? Enak?
Jangan bilang kalau elo malah jadi
pengen straight.

RIA:
Sayang, spreinya dicek dulu deh.
(Menunjuk ke kasur)

Jackie menyibak sprei yang terlipat dan menemukan setumpuk noda basah. Hidungnya berkedut dan matanya mengernyit, menahan bau yang asing buatnya. Wajahnya cepat-cepat dipalingkannya.

JACKIE:
(Menatap Danny dan Ria dengan bingung)
Lho? Koq?

CUT TO:

Danny berpaling perlahan untuk menatap Jackie, dan dengan ekspresi “what-did-you-expect”, mengangkat kedua bahunya serentak dengan kedua alisnya dan melenggang keluar. Jackie dan Ria bertatapan hampa.

FADE OUT.

THE END.

Love in the air

How do you think it feels?

Nothing here makes sense
Now that you are gone
But I pretend I'm fine
And play along

I placed satin sheets again
Where we used to lay
I face my pain
and cry my memories away

whenever I'm left alone it hurts
But when I am with you
I know I'll burn
Love is not a word
I could fairly return

And
Whenever my heart hurts this bad
Whenever I feel like looking back
I make believe that you are still mine
my dear

I said
"Don't leave me here"
but I wanted you to go
And I did not want you to know

Dear
whenever I'm left alone it hurts
But when I am with you
I know I'll burn
Love is not a word
I could fairly return

And
Whenever my heart hurts this bad
Whenever I feel like looking back
I make believe that you are still mine
my dear

Love
I know I can't break it up in two
yet half of my heart it rests in you
But with him I must stay true
And I still do

And
Whenever my heart hurts this bad
Whenever I feel like looking back
I make believe that you are still mine
my dear

Dear
whenever I'm left alone it hurts
But when I am with you
I know I'll burn
Love is not a word
I could fairly return