Paper Girl

paper girl was folded over

seven times is the limit they say

try it

it's scientific

you can never get the back doubled to eight

but still paper girl curls the corner of her pages

like wings of a white crane but filled with 

scribbles

she curls at the corner of a hall holding back

tears

there are no more blank spaces

red ink splatters

mark her back with angry letters

screaming alphabets that march towards her ears

crawl through grey hemispheres and reside there

her head bows with the weight

with the pressure

she loses her composure

paper girl unfolds

baring her soul, perforated

a cobweb of words tied with hatred

...and then it was over.

Sacrifice

When he punched me in the face

I offered the other cheek

because love is sacrifice, right?

When she pulled my hair

down the stairs and into the toilet

I resigned my cries for another day

because patience is a virtue, it's true!

I signed away rights to my own self at seven months gestation

born premature, my lungs were not developed to carry enough air for me to scream out

the umbilical card forever wrapped tight around my windpipe

Obedience is a ritual we carry on long after we're born

Fueled by hopes for a higher heaven

Dreams carried on generation to generation by the medium of television

Shows where women burn at the altar of sin and admiration

We share laughter after every lashings

time forgives the faded marks on my back

as did the tears and ointment my mom rubs

admonishing me for being so stubborn, at age seven

"What will the family of your future husband say?"

Must

Save

Face

Don't talk back

Must 

Save 

Face

Close your legs

Must 

Save 

Face

It's for your own good anyway

Like cattle are branded and trained to be given away.

Because when a woman and a man marries,

it binds two families

but mother, you look away from signs of my slow slaughter

am I no longer your daughter?

Candu sekarang mahal bhai

Kamu itu candu
bertamu di lidah
tak lama bersinggah
Hijau hati ini terlalu dini
untuk keterburuanmu.

Kau aku cumbu dalam mimpi
Ujud nyatamu adalah aksara ya, tidak dan tapi
aku takkan dapat sanggup 
berlabuh di bayangmu yang tak pasti.

Kau yang pergi
bersinggah di sana dan di sini
di sini juga tapi tak lama
dan tak sama
dan tak ada namaku
di tenunan alas ranjangmu.

Aku ingin
aku mahu
aku tahu lengkung senyummu
Bersinggahlah lagi
di tempat rambut dan bahu bertemu
seperti malam tadi.

Aurat

Brothers and sisters,

You say nowadays purity is scarce,

because you judge purity by the length of my scarf,

to you purity is a shy virgin

a woman's value trapped within our hymen

Some countries prize me by the absence of a driver's license

as if by being mobile I would drive myself straight to hell without their guidance.

But no matter how much skin I cover,

you will still find fault with the cloth's colour

Too bright!

Too pink!

Too many flowers!

As if my veil is the ground to plant your gaze

and I should provide you that space without complaints.

Should I not be bothered

that these brothers from a different mother

deign to write book after book after book

discussing the sins "caused" by my looks

Shaming the blame women shoulder for every single society's disorder.

From folk tale "hadith" you repeat

"Eve was created from Adam's bent rib

so treat women gently for their will is weak"

Is this why prisons are filled with male convicts?

and yet none of my sisters are ever in FBI's top ten most wanted list?

(I wikipedia'd this)

I get it, men are perhaps too strong for their own benefit

But that would be blaming God, wouldn't it?

As if He had made His creations imperfect

Blasphemy!

And so strong that you would rather

blame the weakness of the masculine gender

for bullying, rape, Justin Bieber's behaviour

and say "boys will be boys!"

Our hymen forcibly taken,

you then propose marriage as an only solution

to the bad credit you let us inherit

your seeds sown grow into gossip

and the nine months make ample time

for you to catalogue ways to criticize our robes becoming too tight.

Three definitions

In the Quran

Only three mention

Aurat (1)

A gap vulnerable to an enemy's worst intentions

Aurat (2)

Embarassing nudity with audience participation

Aurat (3)

Contents of the room of a couple bound by marital sanction

And yet

As a girl I was taught to be gentle and not talk so loud

To not be seen, to not be heard

In classrooms teachers teach me to read, but not to utter a single word

Especially when that word was "why?"

And so I grew up burrying questions deep in my silence

Building a labyrinth of tangled passions

Leaving a pile of "why"'s behind.

When we talk about purity

Start talking about integrity

talk about kindness, talk about intelligence

Let's talk about bravery because

these clothes conceal more than just skin

this cloth is not for hiding.

Meiliani (the birthday girl)

May musk, her month
she mouths
this darkness she likes
embers lit her lips
sweet smelling light
cloves and cigarettes 
curled like the paper of 
her
Nyctophi
lia

She readies the reminder:
trouble trains of
twinful thoughts
think alike, sexual
a scratch and a bite
mindcest partners. 

Nights
unarmoured it frets

We're Asians, polite
with a smile yet
disregarding advice
Shoot on sight! 
Camera obscura in our minds

Askholes
two of a kind. 

Fools

I envy
teachers, the academics, the tutors,
the ones sharing wisdom out of passion.

For I can't for the life of me,
suffer fools as gladly.

A little Tegan and Sara obsessed

So I know it's been a long time since I last really wrote anything. (That's not true, I got books published and shit). I did! I did! I had one short story published in a somewhat mainstream publication, and had a few short stories in independent zines and an anthology of dirty tales.

But I realize that my familiar medium was potery, and in English. Thanks to family drama, gadgets breaking down, resurfacing trust and self-esteem issues, impending deadline, the need for money and pressured into getting a degree because I need something "to fall back on" but without the money to actually do that, and the motivation (I lost that motivation when UiTM refused to let me enroll in Mass Communication and instead threw me into the Tourism course, no dissing you tourism degree holders, but it's just not what I want), and TEGAN AND SARA!!! I kind of been writing stuff again. Nothing great, and it may be a tad "too inspired" (in a Lady Gaga kind of way).

I was first introduced to Tegan and Sara (oh god I want to go to Canada and just play with their hairs) via this mix cd I rented back in Yogya. Music CD, VCD, and DVD rentals are hot shit in Yogyakarta. Well, it's a town full of students and students are usually perpetually broke. So I just got a new PC and was determined to fill it with stuff, music included.

Back then, the term 'hipster' was yet to be invented, so don't judge me based on what I'm going to tell you next. I went to the rental place and straight away got myself a bunch of GameHouse games and random mp3 CDs. The more obscure, the better. Somehow I heard Walking With A Ghost (the only Tegan and Sara song on the CD) and fell immediately in love. Pop enough to be pleasant, but unknown enough (to me) to be fresh. But I never really explored their music until now. I mean the Internet was already invented back then, but wasn't as easily accessible as it is now.

Years gone by, and I found myself falling in love with Trance music. Well, and House ...sometimes. Rarely. Whatevs. Then I found out Tiesto had made a record with Tegan and Sara (which I LOVE). And as the netizens of YouTube would confess, you click on the different links by the right hand side and just enjoy the journey. Which is how I discovered other than being amazeballs recording artists, they are also stupendously awesome performing live, and have great sense of humour during interviews and in-concert banters. Not to mention kick ass personalities and sense of style.

That was a long ass intro for this poem I wrote today (as yet, untitled):

I don't like holding you back
If it's freedom that you want
but you're not even asking that
You just need me at your beck
and call
And that is all
I can't do
When there are oceans standing
and stern guards in white watching
Making it hard for me to pass GO
and collect my $200 from you
But I'm not even asking that
I just need you to let
me give my all
and sometimes it's not enough
it's tough
but I promise you
it's the best I can do.
* * *

Now, I'm going back to Tumblring them hot canadian midgets.

Bluest Blue

Buest Blue
You are one of a kind
you are, you are
Will you ever be mine?

Bluest Blue
Deep you seep under my skin
you do, you do
Why can't I keep you safe within?

Can I let go?
No
Can I cry?
I might
Can I escape here?
Nothing else can be my saviour

but
Bluest Blue
You speak louder than a stain,
you say, you say
"I'm LOVE in the form of pain".

Mother Knows Best

Do    do     do     do

do    do     do     do

do    do     do     do

do    do     do     do

do    as      I      say

andcomewhatmay

we  will    be   safe

we   will stay sane

do    do     do     do

do    do     do     do

do    do     do     do

do    do     do     do

Suicide Song

Let me tell you
a little trick for surviving
listen
just close your eyes
and you'll be fine
'coz I'll be singing a lullaby

Keep your eyes closed
and keep them shut tight
listen
it's not pain, so you need not cry
and I'll be singing a lullaby

hmm... hmm... hmm...
listen to my lullaby
hmm... hmm... hmm...
this is not goodbye
hmm...
hmm...
hmm...

Hit and run

When you miss me
I'll be waiting in your wishes
As you embrace him
I'll be there in your kisses
and between the folds of your skin
I'll be the sweat lurking

In your dreams
I'm your wishful thinking
and in your wake
I'm the dawn breaking
and with every step you take
I'll be your biggest mistake

I will be your biggest mistake
Because I hit and run
Oops, is that mess your heart?
I gotta go babe, it's been fun
It's been a ride
It's what you read between the lines
I told you babe
I hit and run

When you call on me
I'll say I love you
and you say you don't believe it
but your body says "I do"
and between both heaven and sin
I'll be your dream come true

What I Am

I like boys who like boys
who like girls like me
who like them
with their spirits free

I love girls who like boys
who like girls like me
who like them
are inwardly sexy

I like chocolate sundae ice
creams not strawberry
not cherry, and

I like ginger snaps in my
Jack D's
Not funny
but still I giggle
hysterically.

I need girls who like girls
who like girls like me
who like them
heal bruised hearts tenderly

I want boys who like girls
who like girls like me
who like them
will let me be me.

Cinta buat Kita

Cinta
bukan hanya kata
tapi puisi jiwa

Tapi kau bukan pujangga

Dan aku
hati pun aku tak punya

Buat kita
cinta itu bagai mata uang tak laku.

Buat si Pemabuk Yang Menyanyi Lagu Patah Hati

Bukan temasya ini
kau
hentilah teriak-teriak!

Dan hening terpecah-pecah
di malam menggelegak amarah!

untitled

Kau bilang bulan
yang kau lihat
di balik awan malam
Yang kubilang kulihat senyummu
bermain dengan perasaan

Kau bilang bintang
yang kau dengar
berbisik senandung rindu
Yang kubilang kudengar sendumu
becampur ketawa haru

Kau bilang sayang
yang kau rasakan
waktu kukecup kau pelan
Yang kubilang kurasa jantungmu
berdetak di dadaku... sejalan.

the biggest sin was when I said I love you and meant it

So you said "Hush,
this won't hurt,
not if you start screaming
it wouldn't," so

"Put that guard down
and let your instincts go
we'll start having fun
because I say so
sweet baby
honey
because I say so."

"Forget all about the blood,"
and I'll focus on this love
as my nails dig into you
I'll be the only girl
you ever think of
as you say

"Put that guard down
and let your instincts go
we'll start having fun
because I say so
sweet baby
honey
because I say so."

Please.
Don't.
Stop.

"As you say so
sweet baby
honey
as you say so".

untitled

who knew that I'd love
women and men
and everything in between
the sheets and without it
today.

I have hated and rejected
everything before
you
time stopped still

and none of my blood spilled yet.

Cinderella story (for my mom)

You with your crown on display
(is it just me or are you smirking?)
am I always this way?
or didn't you beat me hard enough
or tell me how you hated me so much
yesterday?

you who keeps pieces of your broken glass shoe,
(and still clings to worn red carpets)
do you want me to be you?
or not go what you went through?
or be myself
but doing what you wanted to?

You when you pause and look ahead,
and forget about yourself for a moment,
or about me
and just be
breathing
you could be so beautiful.

A birthday wish

Is it okay
if I catch your dreams with my tongue?
(like the snowflakes in winter
remind you of hot cocoa and warm dreams
and stockings woven with love)
your dreams are so beautiful

you are
so beautiful
that angels faint at your feet
(or fall asleep
to be a part of your dream?)

wake up
wake up
wake up

before the rising sun
or you'd be mistaken as one

rejecting a flirt

Please don't compare me
to the scorch of summer day
(I'm not warming up to your praises)
or to the darling buds of May
I'm not as pretty as you say
(and I am aware)

Please don't tell me
anything about myself
that I cannot see beyond the gilded frames
or behind that twinkle in your eye
glazed by lust
(and probably beer)

I do apologize
but

Please don't bother me
I'm waiting
until another one like you
comes over
to tell me I'm beautiful too
but I'll follow him home
just to spite you

Please don't be angry
I was joking
but

Please leave me
or buy me a drink
and stay away

thank you.